March 13, 2026

Salty Bite: Is That a Crack Pipe or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Salty Bite: Is That a Crack Pipe or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Another amazing week trying to date in the great state of Utah! This week the Salty Hoes dive into two amazing new genres of dating app photos. Tune in to see what amazing props the men have found to pose with! Claire and Mel also struggle through some truly amazing run-on sentences, from the confusing to the erotic. You don't want to miss this Salty Bite!

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Hello, hello and welcome back to
another salty bites.

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I'm.
Claire, I'm Mel.

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And together we are the Salty
hoes and we're so excited to

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bring you a little salty bite
review of the delightful dating

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apps and the treasures that
we've been finding this week.

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Mel, anything exciting?
Oh boy.

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It's always a delight, Claire.
In fact, there were so many

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things I couldn't even pick
which ones I wanted to talk.

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About my goodness, a feast,
right?

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Yes, a veritable smorgasbord
badness.

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Something.
Yeah, I did see a new profile, I

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don't know picture type that I
don't think I have seen before.

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Do tell a new genre a new.
Genre, yes very good.

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I wish we had known about this
before our Men and their dead

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fish episode.
Oh wow I mean you shot y'all.

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Should go back and listen to
that if you haven't already.

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But I feel like we are already
accumulating enough material for

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a part.
Two, I think for sure, yeah,

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maybe even a three.
Maybe a three.

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We'll just see how far we go.
Yeah, but this hopefully it's

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not a genre I'm gonna see often.
This man had two profile

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pictures on Tinder and the 1st
and main 1 is a picture of him

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vaping.
Oh hot.

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Sexy.
Nice.

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I wonder how his breast smells.
I'm guessing not good.

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Have you seen anything like that
before?

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You know, it's funny you should
say that.

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Oh no.
Because for the first time this

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very week also, you know, we,
we've mentioned before, it's

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funny when the first picture is
not just a picture of them, it's

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a picture of them and someone
else.

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Oh yes.
And so you're like, well, who

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are you?
Who, what's going on here?

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But this particular picture had,
I think the person whose profile

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it is looking quite relaxed in
the background with a friend

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leaning on his leg using a crack
pipe.

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Oh my God.
And I was just like, well, that

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is just such an interesting
choice.

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Wow, you win.
I mean, crack, Crack pipe,

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Trump's vape pen, I guess, yeah.
But, you know, they're all on

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the CMV.
And so, Yep, there we go.

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We have.
That's that's where we're at.

43
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That's what.
We got.

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OK, Well, I had several I was
thinking about sharing with you,

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but based on the fact that you
just said Crack Pipe, I think

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I'm going.
To.

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Choose this one.
So this profile is, we'll call

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him John.
John is 43 years old.

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He's young, he is.
Young.

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He didn't have more than one
picture of himself.

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Very confusingly, most of his
pictures were of military

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uniforms and medals, which were
clearly displayed in some sort

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of museum.
Oh, so they weren't like on him?

54
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Yeah, they.
Were not his own military

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uniforms and medals?
I guess he's just an aficionado

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of military uniforms and badges
and medals and so forth.

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No explanation.
Yeah, as to why these things

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comprise the bulk of his photos
that I'll read his bio, which

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also didn't explain it.
I was going to.

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Say, did it shed?
Like, was he sharing a day out

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at the museum with us?
I mean, he was, but it's unclear

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why because his bio reads as
follows.

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John, he's looking for still
figuring it out.

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He doesn't know what.
He wants less.

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Yeah.
How old is this man, 43?

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Oh, yeah.
Oh, you said that?

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Sorry, yeah.
Well, he's still his time, I

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guess.
I guess so.

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Said facetiously.
Josh has also listed all the

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pronouns.
He, him, she, they and zem.

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I don't even know how to say
that.

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OK.
Yeah.

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All right.
And his bio about me.

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00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,920
And let me say before I read
this, there is not one piece of

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punctuation nor a single
capitalized word other than I.

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So this is one run on sentence.
It's just a yeah, yeah.

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Are you ready?
Modernism at its.

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Best go ahead.
Yes.

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About me, I like to smoke weed,
I love edibles, concentrate,

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vapes, tinctures, I even have an
RSO syringe.

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I'm looking for a Stoner or a
hippie woman.

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I think that we would be most
compatible.

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I'm not super religious but I
don't mind a woman that is

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religious as long as you don't
try to enforce your beliefs upon

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me.
We totally can agree to

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disagree.
I like whiskey but don't drink

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much.
A good campfire under the stars

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with some sweet company and Miss
Mary Jane.

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So if anything in the self
detailed paragraph describe UR

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uh and that's where it and.
It just ends.

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Did he run out of characters?
I don't know.

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I don't think so.
I think he could go quite a bit

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longer on Tinder.
Wow, Wow is right.

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You were struggling to breathe
there because there was no

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punctuation.
Well, I was trying to read it as

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it's written, yes.
Of course, because all that is

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very important.
Wow.

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Are you getting flashbacks to
James Joyce right?

99
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Now, yes, I really am.
I'm like, Oh my God, this is

100
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like, you know, is this guy
making a point?

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Is he a a stream of
consciousness like he is a?

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Stream of poet, Yes, Wow.
Beautiful and I and you know, I,

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I welcome all the pronouns to be
very clear.

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I but I sometimes think that
because I've seen it where

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people use it as a derogatory
thing on apps.

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Have you seen that?
I have seen that I think that

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for this person he he is more
likely confused as to what the

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pronouns mean.
Actually mean the entire.

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Profile is very confused and
confusing.

110
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It just doesn't make sense
because like the weed juice and

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the things they describe, which
again, no shame, they don't

112
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really align with military
paraphernalia, right?

113
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So there's like a weed
disconnect.

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It was pretty fractured.
Yes.

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Fractured.
Yes.

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Anyway, so if you would like to
smoke a lot of weed or do weed

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in any of its forms because it.
Seems like he is all this all

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meal deal.
Yes, yes.

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Then then John is your guy.
Which you know, is cool, but

120
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like, is it dating profile
stuff?

121
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I don't know.
It doesn't seem like it.

122
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No, especially not in that
format.

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But it seems like he has a
hookup, so if you need some

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weed, our friend John is there
for us.

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You.
You.

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Got him.
Wow.

127
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OK.
I don't know if I can top that

128
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because that is really quite
impressive, but I will

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definitely try.
I will.

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I will try to top.
That please.

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Though it may not be possible.
So I came across a guy who

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seemed to have a little bit of a
fascination with simulating

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fucking fake animals.
I wasn't really quite sure how

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to freeze that, to be completely
honest.

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I.
Was not sure at any point in

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that sentence where that was
going.

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You're like, OK, where's it
going?

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So let's call this guy Larry.
So Larry is initially mounting a

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a large elk like like a very.
Large elk, taxidermied or like a

140
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statue?
No, like a statue.

141
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Oh, so it appears to be like me
out of stone.

142
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OK, so he's.
Humping a stone statue of an

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elk.
And you know, honestly, he looks

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like he's living his best life.
Oh God, he's very gleeful.

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He is hand placement on the hips
and he is going for it on the

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giant stone stone elk.
And quite cutely below it says

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I'm happiest when going on
adventures.

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Adventures of Humping I of.
Yeah, like I just very

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interesting.
And then this one I really think

150
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:06,160
is just an inappropriate
violation because do you

151
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remember on the M Sinclair gas
stations there was like a wee

152
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green dinosaur of.
Course the dinosaur the.

153
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Cute little dinosaur.
So Mr. Larry here is humping the

154
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dinosaur.
Larry, yes, how?

155
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Dare you?
And he's going over the tail.

156
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:28,080
So again, I'll give him an A
plus for hand placement on the

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hips.
Like he's obviously got some

158
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practice, but yeah, he's.
Humped a lot of things before,

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is what you're telling me.
Not necessarily women, not.

160
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Necessarily women, but.
But at least inanimate objects.

161
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Fiberglass or stone statues, But
this one's kind of cute because

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Larry appears to be on the
shorter side, and because he's

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going over the teal, his wee
feet are almost lifting off the

164
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grind as he humps the poor
little green dinosaurs.

165
00:08:56,840 --> 00:09:00,080
So it's like.
Wow, yeah.

166
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,440
Good luck with that.
Did he have any other humping

167
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,200
pictures?
You know, just the 2, just the

168
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2, just the 2 did I have.
Any normal that?

169
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Was enough.
It was just those two.

170
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:11,080
He only had two humping
pictures.

171
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,360
He.
Only had two humping pictures.

172
00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,880
Wow, so so.
Obviously you swiped right and

173
00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:16,320
you're going on a date with him.
Yeah.

174
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,800
Been on three already.
He came at me from behind the

175
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:23,480
minute I walked in the door.
Well, as we know, we both like

176
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:28,160
it deep from behind.
And apparently this guy has lots

177
00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,760
of practice.
So yeah, Lovely, delightful,

178
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delightful.
Have you got any other?

179
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:37,560
Fun.
My goodness, I have profiles.

180
00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:41,480
So many like I so many.
I've never bolt, ever.

181
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:47,000
Run out, since we're on the sort
of, I don't know, humping theme.

182
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:52,880
Well, this person, we'll call
him Justin, yeah, he's also 43,

183
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,360
all the 43 year old.
Like millennial cusp.

184
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,880
Yeah, that is millennial.
Yeah.

185
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:01,480
Yeah, or full millennial.
That's full millennial, Yeah,

186
00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:03,920
it's kind of elder millennial,
but that's definitely

187
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,680
millennial.
Millennial all the same.

188
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:12,200
OK, so yeah, 43 and the pictures
are, you know, unremarkable.

189
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,920
Yeah.
He is interested either in

190
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:16,640
monogamy or an open
relationship.

191
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,440
You know, whatever, just.
Anything.

192
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:24,840
Anything.
Here's the bio and this.

193
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:28,200
Actually it's also a run on
sentence.

194
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,800
Nice.
I won't try to do it in one

195
00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:31,680
breath this time.
Because you were turning a wee

196
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,120
bit blue.
The last time I was running out

197
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:38,320
of oxygen all right, but there
are no periods whatsoever.

198
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:41,160
There are commas though, so I
will use those as a breath

199
00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:41,880
break.
That's cool.

200
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,520
That's.
And I feel like I'm going to

201
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,480
need to breathe for this one.
I.

202
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:46,840
Am so excited.
Are you ready?

203
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,560
I am so.
Ready about me?

204
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:52,680
Third date?
Oh, I'll start kissing your

205
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:55,360
cheek, then I'll slide over to
your neck.

206
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,920
As I pull your hair back,
revealing the soft sweet skin of

207
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:02,200
your neck, I'll place my lips
against your skin.

208
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:07,240
My warm breath slowing enters
your ear and causes you to

209
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:11,360
giggle.
Yeah, maybe, but not for the

210
00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:12,680
right.
Don't flow in my ear, Sir.

211
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:18,280
I pull you close as I nibble on
your earlobe, your hand against

212
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:22,120
my chest, pushing ever so
slightly as I kiss, bite and

213
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,720
nibble on your neck and ear.
I can feel the vibrations from

214
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:29,440
your moans as it starts to keep
my excitement.

215
00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,120
My hand works down your neck to
your.

216
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,480
And then it just stops.
That's.

217
00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,040
Where it ends?
Oh my God, the suspense.

218
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,520
It's.
Killing me.

219
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:44,040
Oh dear God, did he copy and
paste that from like a like a

220
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:47,040
online romance novel or
something?

221
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,040
Potentially.
Or maybe he's just a writer of

222
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:52,920
erotica.
And he was so specific third

223
00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:55,080
date, do you think that's third
date appropriate?

224
00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,280
I could be.
It depends on the date.

225
00:11:57,360 --> 00:11:58,760
Yeah.
Wow, yeah.

226
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:01,680
That was real specific.
Yeah.

227
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:03,560
A lot of nibbling.
Lot of nibbling.

228
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,000
A lot of nibbling happen
happening I'm.

229
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,320
Not sure I need that much
nibbling.

230
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,040
I'm not sure either.
Like I just maybe give that man

231
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:13,000
a carrot or a lettuce leaf
before he comes on the tea so

232
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:16,480
that he gets his his nibble
wiggles out of the way.

233
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,760
I don't know.
Now I'm picturing him wearing

234
00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,840
rabbit ears and a little
cottontail.

235
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,880
Maybe that could be a wee prop.
That would be.

236
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:25,760
Lovely.
It'd be something maybe?

237
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:27,200
That's a vibe.
All right.

238
00:12:27,640 --> 00:12:31,440
Well, maybe we should finish off
with finish.

239
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:36,320
Finish ourselves off by either
jumping off a Cliff or.

240
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,600
Yeah, maybe that.
You know, not using these

241
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,320
profiles for a certain purpose,
but I thought we would circle

242
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:46,880
back to we discussed like a
certain genre scenes were genre

243
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:51,960
driven today of like sort of
despairing.

244
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:56,960
Backdrops right with Oh yes, the
cemetery and the ICU relative

245
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:59,720
and the sites of war and
genocide.

246
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:02,800
Yes.
OK, so this guy combined both.

247
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,160
Oh wow, he's multitasking.
He is multitasking, so let's

248
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,880
call him Freddie.
Freddie.

249
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:14,960
So Freddie, Freddie's first
picture was with an ailing

250
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,680
relative that is not only
elderly but looks a little

251
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,880
beaten up.
But but you know, he is Freddie

252
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,200
is smiling.
And there's also he managed to

253
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:31,200
get another patient in the back.
But I'm thinking now that these

254
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:37,120
these could be connected.
So the next picture is Eddie

255
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:43,760
Freddie.
Freddie, that's fine.

256
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:48,920
Ready.
Taking a wee selfie outside a

257
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:54,160
sign he's clearly about to enter
Ukraine. 00.

258
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,880
Yes.
So I think that what he is

259
00:13:56,880 --> 00:14:01,200
messaging is that he is there
visiting injured people in the

260
00:14:01,200 --> 00:14:05,120
hospital and in a capacity I am
unaware.

261
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:10,440
It is not specified, but you
know, just on that vein of, of

262
00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:14,160
posting the the pictures in the
hospital and that, you know,

263
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,600
places that could well be
suffering very desperately right

264
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,000
now.
Freddie.

265
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:24,480
Was like, I know, let's let's
put that on the tenders.

266
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:26,680
Wow.
You know, I kind of admire the

267
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,480
entrepreneurship.
They're like, let me take some

268
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,240
intense human suffering.
Yes.

269
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:35,040
Whether it be of an ailing
relative or an entire people.

270
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:37,280
Yes.
And capitalize on that.

271
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,960
Yeah.
To bring in the ladies to get

272
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,160
laid to get laid to get.
Laid Wow.

273
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,920
There are other ways, men, and
they're much simpler.

274
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:49,200
Actually, one would think.
Just just buy me some dark

275
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:50,320
chocolate.
Something.

276
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:51,320
That's it.
Yeah.

277
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:54,440
And then you can nibble while I
nibble, yeah.

278
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,000
Well, I have one more if you
want a palate cleanser and I

279
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,320
think we have time.
This will be kind of fast.

280
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:00,480
I want.
To write.

281
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,120
Let's call.
Actually, I don't need to give

282
00:15:04,120 --> 00:15:06,280
an alias.
This person has already aliased

283
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,800
themselves.
Oh, they have put their profile

284
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,880
name as every man, every man,
every man.

285
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,320
Wow, age 50.
Every man.

286
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:21,680
And every man is looking for a
short term relationship that is

287
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:24,280
open to long.
Oh, oh, he's open, Yeah.

288
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:28,880
And every man, like some of our
other previous profiles, has

289
00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:31,400
decided to go the poetic route.
Oh.

290
00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:33,160
You know, we, we've talked a
lot.

291
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:37,960
I love their poems.
Oh my God, give it to me.

292
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:40,360
I'm going to get a Kleenex ready
just in case.

293
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:44,560
Yes, here we go about me and I'm
going to read this in its

294
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:46,280
entirety.
And by the way, it actually does

295
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,680
have punctuation.
So this is the first one that I

296
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:49,400
have today.
Yes.

297
00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,240
Maybe some AI support?
I really don't think so.

298
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,920
You're like, no.
Unless maybe this is grok?

299
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,440
Because it's a little weird.
OK, hit me.

300
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:03,520
So about me.
Build me walls of status quo so

301
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:09,160
a may run through them
disciplined while thriving in

302
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,760
spontaneity.
I know my light purpose and I'm

303
00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:17,480
still friends with my shadow.
I desire virtue dressed in a

304
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:21,760
cloak of fire.
Ollie, Ollie, oxen free.

305
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,680
All that said, I could really go
for some oral God.

306
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:32,320
He wasn't even trying.
Like with the rhyming scheme.

307
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,280
I don't know what.
What?

308
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,720
What does any of that mean?
I mean, I understood the last

309
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:38,280
one.
Why?

310
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,920
God, dude, you're our luck.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to

311
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,800
say.
I mean I have nothing to add.

312
00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:51,200
I mean, if I could glean 1
positive from that, whatever

313
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:55,440
that was, he, he might be doing
his shadow work, his inner

314
00:16:55,440 --> 00:16:57,600
shadow work, yeah.
I don't know.

315
00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,560
And who among us couldn't go for
some oral right about now?

316
00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:04,040
I don't know.
I mean, here he.

317
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,960
Really is every man he he
Really.

318
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,800
Is every man he's so for all of
us.

319
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,560
At least he named himself
correctly.

320
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:10,720
Yeah.
Wow.

321
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,480
All right, friends, I think
that's all we have.

322
00:17:14,319 --> 00:17:17,160
Stay married.
Stay coupled because that's

323
00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:19,319
what's right.
There, or stay off of Tinder.

324
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,480
Anyway.
God, we'll be back at you next

325
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,920
time with more hilarity.
Take care, friends.

326
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,240
Stay warm, we'll see you next
time.

327
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:26,920
Bye bye.