Salty Bite: Coffeepots and Tickets to Heaven

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Hey Salty hoes, welcome back.
I'm Mel and I'm here with my

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good friend Claire.
Hello.

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And we are recording for you
another salty bite.

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OK, so.
Salty Mini Bites returns.

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Salty mini bites are just salty
bites.

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I don't know, bite Bite kind of
includes the concept of being

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mini.
I don't know it.

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It does.
You're right, it's superfluous

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to say a salty mini bite.
Yeah, redundant.

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Yeah.
All right, definitely.

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Maybe just salty bite salty bite
to this.

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OK, so this is our third salty
bite that we're recording for

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you.
Once again, we're not going to

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do these every single week, but
when we have the time, we're

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going to push these out as a
little treat.

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Something to help you into your
weekend.

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If you are married or partnered
to someone lovely, then

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hopefully this will just give
you a little spark of gratitude

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for that individual.
Maybe you'll like reconsider

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your divorce or leaving your
partner because you'll be like

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the grass is not greener.
Well, we're going to share some

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of what's out there today, so
I'm going to start.

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I have a profile and as always
I'm changing the names.

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I kind of like including a name
even though it's not the real

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name.
I don't know why it's.

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A personal touch it.
Yeah, I think that's actually a

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really nice idea.
OK, All right, so let me

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introduce you to Steve.
I think you're going to be

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really interested in Steve.
Steve.

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Steve is 41.
He lives here in Salt Lake City,

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UT.
He is 6 feet tall, so I know you

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like that.
I.

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Like over 6 feet or 6 feet and
above.

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Yeah, I don't mind a short king,
I will tell you that.

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But you know, I'm I'm open.
If they've big hair, it's OK.

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Big hair, yes.
So it gives like an illusion of

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fullness.
I don't.

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OK, that.
Maybe I don't know, I just I

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can't do it it.
Made me think of AQ tip.

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I don't know.
And that's a personal preference

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and people are allowed to have
their personal preferences.

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Yes.
All right.

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So Shay, is he?
Well, he described himself at

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least as 6 feet tall.
We don't really know because as

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we talked about, sometimes they
round up.

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Yeah.
He is looking for a long term

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partner.
So that is good.

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And let me read his bio.
To you.

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Oh, I'm excited.
OK, me Colon, I know a little

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about everything.
Vehicles are my number. 1G is

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#2.
You would be #3.

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Well, at least he's honest that
you would not come first in his

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life at before a car and a Golf
Club, right?

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That's so I feel.
I feel like so loved and seen

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already.
Well, I mean, and yeah, at least

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points for honesty, he is giving
you a Full disclosure and where

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you would rank in his life.
But then he does mention, oh,

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it's possible to move up on the
list.

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Godspeed.
Wow, so it's possible he give He

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gave us hope, right?
Does he list the criteria of

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high?
He doesn't.

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There's really only one more
thing on Steve's bio.

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He says need a wifey so I can
use her to reach heaven.

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Oh, Oh well, we could we assume
that Steve may be of a certain

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faith then, I think.
Probably that the.

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Need to wifey's help to.
Yeah, he.

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Does get to?
Heaven, yeah, he describes

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himself as Christian so we don't
know if that's LDS or not, but I

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as far as I'm aware of, Mormons
are the only religion that

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thinks you need to be married to
make it to the highest tier of

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heaven.
Like.

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Hetero married.
Well, obviously hetero.

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I mean, we're talking about the
Mormons, right?

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It's true.
We can make that assumption very

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safely.
Yeah, I, I think they are.

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I, I don't know.
The other Fists require that.

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I mean, I know the family unit
and all that and religion, but

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wow.
So it's functional, which would

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explain the third place.
Right, so it's checking a box,

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right?
He's not maybe well, at least

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it's giving the vibe of I'm not
really that interested in a

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partner right to, you know, go
through life with.

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But I but I.
Should, but I need one, yes,

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otherwise I won't get into
heaven so you can be #3 after my

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cars and my Golf.
Game Wow high high doth one move

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up.
I know it's possible, but how do

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you move up above a car in a
Golf Club?

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Well, he doesn't say, so I guess
you would have to swipe right.

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Have that combo.
What have you got for me?

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Well, I have.
We shall call them.

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Come up with a name you don't.
Need to do the name thing.

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If you don't want to, let's just
say Matt.

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That's a Matt, Utah name.
There you go.

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Yeah, we should go for like,
Utah names, like the ones that

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are spelt all funky too.
All right, It's Matt, Spelt

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MAPEH.
T Are you saying that this

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person has a Utah spelled name
well?

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I just, I want to be authentic.
So, you know, for those of you

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listening, I said Utah.
It's famous for names that are

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spelled in a very alarming way.
Honestly, sometimes you're just

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like, wow, OK, cool.
I'm so glad that you got that.

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Maybe we can add that as a
feature sometimes.

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Sure, this this man, whoever he
is, actually, I don't know who

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he is because his picture is of
a picnic table in a tent.

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So I don't I mean, I have
zoomed.

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I don't see a person.
I presume he's taking the

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picture of his little
campground, which has like a

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little bit murder vibes for me.
So and you know the little

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responses it said it says I'm
hoping you like the outdoors.

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Not unusual for Utah.
Fishing, traveling, good healthy

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food sure.
And then comma American woman

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who live in America.
Wait, so he wants you to like

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American women who live in
America?

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Or he wants you to be an
American woman who lives in

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America.
It's unclear.

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Maybe both, I'm not sure, but
it's it's a list.

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There's just a comma.
And then American women who live

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in America.
So yeah, I don't know if he's

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looking for a threesome, he is
an American woman who lives in

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America already in mind, or
that's his criteria.

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I don't know.
So it seems to me that either

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we're looking at a Poly
situation like he's interested

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in a Poly relationship, which is
so common on the apps.

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But not a global one.
Yeah, not a global one, right?

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Red blooded American Poly
relationship only.

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Or perhaps this person's been
catfished before.

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Could, could be that from yeah,
from some outside source.

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Do you think that I would
constitute an American woman for

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this man?
Well, you have an American

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passport.
I do, but maybe half credit.

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Maybe half, maybe he'd give me
half credit because I do live

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here, so there is that.
True, you live in America.

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I do.
Close enough.

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Here I am.
All right, so that's nice.

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That's nice.
What have you?

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What have you got?
Let's go back to you.

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Yeah, I've got one more for you.
And let's call this person

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Brian.
Brian has liked me on the apps

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many times.
So Brian has been a constant

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feature.
Every time I go on the apps,

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there's Brian in there and he's
liking me.

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He's saying you're we like.
You.

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Yeah, We've never matched
because as long as I've known

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Brian, which I don't know Brian,
but I feel like I know Brian

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now, right.
They're old buddies.

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I've seen.
His profile, so many times

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Brian's got, I think about 5
pictures.

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Three of them are normal, yeah.
And two of them are kind of the

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same picture, but they are
different outfits.

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Slightly.
They're different pictures.

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Yeah.
Taken on different days.

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Clearly, they're at least in
different clothes.

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And both of them include a mere
selfie in the gym.

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OK well, that's pretty, pretty
common.

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You see that often.
Sure.

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Yeah, we've talked about that
before.

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But these pictures are somewhat
unique in that in both of these,

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he's wearing athletic pants and
clearly sporting at least half

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an erection.
Oh wow.

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Yeah, and again, I tend to be
the naive 1.

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Is that intentional?
It has to be because the

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pictures are also are centered
on the groin area.

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So they're not like, yeah.
So his face is kind of there,

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but like the middle of the
picture is the groin with at

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least some half chub going on
there.

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So my question, do you find that
hot?

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Like if if it was like a man you
were, I don't think you're

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attracted to Brad, but like if
you wear, would you be like, oh,

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like or, or would that just
always like give?

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You the ick.
So this actually really creeps

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me out, right?
It creeps me out that he's

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walking around the gym with an
erection in his athletic pants.

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I'm like, and who else is he
showing that to at the gym,

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right?
It's pretty nasty.

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OK, so creeper vibes all the
way.

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Yeah, You know, and sometimes
you see this at the gym, right?

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You'll be like just doing your
workout, doing your thing, and

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somebody will be being creepy,
right?

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You know, like the stair
following you around.

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Yes, that kind of thing.
So it's giving me those vibes.

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Yeah.
And it's I don't know, it just

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is weird.
Well cuz what?

183
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What did he do to get that
chubster?

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Like was he?
Watching the girls on the

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treadmills.
Right.

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00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,920
Or like rubbing a weight, you
know, doing a deadlift with a

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little a little stroke.
Oh my God, you're making me

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never want to touch a dumbbell
or kettlebell or barbell again.

189
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That's definitely.
Using the wipes is what I say.

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Do you think he uses SOAP?
You know, I, I don't know.

191
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:51,200
That's if that's the type of
action I don't.

192
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:54,440
I don't see him as a soap.
User unclear, right?

193
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:57,560
Yeah, certainly social mores are
not his strong.

194
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,520
Right.
So I think it would be a fair

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00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:03,120
assumption to at least question
if he uses soap, which by the

196
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:07,240
way, ever since we did that
episode, I'm like, I'm like

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turned on by clean men now.
Like I just.

198
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,080
I'm sorry you weren't before.
Well, no, I was.

199
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:16,920
But like, well, clearly not, as
the entire world knows.

200
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,440
The grease really got you going.
The grease got me going and a

201
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,800
bit like, you know when you I
mean this sign's so weird.

202
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,600
Why am I even articulating this
site large because it's signs

203
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:31,320
deranged, but like it's like you
see a person and they have like

204
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,120
even the fact that they were
underwear like oh.

205
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,200
My God.
No, but like just they've

206
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:40,920
cleaned socks and clean undies
and they just look clean.

207
00:10:41,080 --> 00:10:42,800
I don't know.
I see it in a different way

208
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night.
That's that's all I can say.

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00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:45,960
So.
You're noticing it even more.

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00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,480
I'm noticing more and it's
hotter.

211
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:51,320
That's how low the bar is.
Because I'm like, did you

212
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,920
launder?
Oh my God.

213
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,600
Like, oh boy.
That's pretty bad.

214
00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:55,920
That should just be a.
Prerequisite.

215
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:56,920
It's quite.
Bad.

216
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,280
Umm yeah.
If any of our listeners have had

217
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:01,920
a similar experience after
hearing the Men Who Don't Use

218
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,720
Soap episode, please let us
know.

219
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:04,680
Yeah, I.
Would I?

220
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,360
Would love to hear that so I
feel less like a complete freak.

221
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:09,240
Maybe.
Maybe I need to go to the

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00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:10,920
laundromat to try to meet
somebody.

223
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,440
Yeah, there you go.
Maybe.

224
00:11:12,440 --> 00:11:14,960
Except then that means they
don't have a washer and dryer in

225
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,480
their place of residence.
Which could be.

226
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,920
I mean, maybe it's just broken,
sure.

227
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,640
But most likely that's a red
flag, yeah.

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Well, we're almost out of time,
but I think we have time for one

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more profile or anecdote.
Do you have anything for me?

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I do.
To wrap up, and it's short.

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Oh, good.
It's short, but it's impactful.

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Oh no.
So I'm scared.

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Let's call this guy Trent.
Trent.

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I like it.
OK, so Trent, who is 45, I think

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it's relevant to say his age
because, well, I guess he

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prefers to when he was a child,
but still, I mean, he's

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obviously lived some life.
Yep.

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And this is the thing that he
chose to put in his bio.

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So it says my bio when I was a
little kid, comma I peed to my

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grandmother's coffee pot.
Wait, what?

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He peed to it.
He peed.

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Like he peed in it or on it.
I, I towards.

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It.
Who?

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Who would know what?
Is happening to it?

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Is he from the United Kingdom?
I sorry, what is that?

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Supposed to be.
I'm sorry.

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No, that's a callback.
Remember I told you the story?

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Of that king.
Man pissing in the lobby?

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Yes, of a hotel.
Which he could have been from

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anywhere, honestly.
He just happened to be in the

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UK.
But yeah, he, I mean, there's

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multiple layers.
How?

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OK, where do we start with this?
I don't know.

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Here's my question, why would
that be your bio on a dating

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app?
Why is that the thing you want

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to know, like you want people to
know about you?

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This the thing that you think is
gonna attract a woman to swipe

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on you?
Right that you're gonna lead

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with cuz I don't know about you
this whole other thing, but I

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keep mine short because there's
creepers who have like deduce

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things from it, then they
contact you externally and

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that's weird.
Sure.

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So mine's brief, but it's at
least kind of humorous or upbeat

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or it's, it's not talking about,
you know, it would be like if I

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said, you know, my bio, I dated
a man that shit his pants.

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Like, that's probably not the
best thing to lead with really

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so.
Well, at least it says something

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about you, yeah.
There's just like, I don't, I

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don't know, I peed.
Too as well.

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I mean, I guess even apart from,
you know, the pissing angle,

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right?
Why would a childhood anecdote

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be your bio?
Like let's say I wrote in my bio

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when I was a kid.
I broke my thumb and that was my

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entire bio.
That would be bizarre.

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It would be bizarre and dull and
not any indicator of the

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beautiful human that you.
Are right.

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And I think people would, you
know, be justifiably worried

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about my sanity.
Yeah, honestly, that's what I

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thought I should be putting as a
bio.

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As you're leading with that,
that's going to make for some

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interesting talk when you meet
for that coffee or that drink.

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Not really, right?
So like, not only is it an

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00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,680
anecdote from childhood, it's a
weird and disturbing one about

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potentially peeing in or on.
Yeah, a wrong mother's coffee

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pot.
I mean presumably so somebody

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would drink it like not knowing.
So like it's like, did you get

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00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,240
that attended to?
Have you been to therapy?

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00:14:21,280 --> 00:14:24,960
Like what is what is going on?
Do you still do that?

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00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,120
Should I make my own coffee in
the morning?

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00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:29,760
Well, now I've just created a
whole story in my head.

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Do you want to hear it?
Oh, yes.

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00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:34,680
OK, so now in my head, because
of course we're here in Utah,

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00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,320
right?
Mormons are not allowed to drink

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coffee.
I wonder.

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00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:40,000
So this.
Was he sabotaging?

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00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:42,200
Yeah, right.
What if his parents converted to

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00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:45,000
the Mormon church and he knew
coffee was evil and this was

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00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:48,880
like his little way of God
expressing his displeasure with

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the coffee?
Now I'm totally making this up

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everyone.
Yes, but.

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00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:54,200
But sometimes I like to make up
stories about strangers.

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I like that it passes the time.
It's like in an airport or a

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00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,880
coffee shop, right?
You, you people watch and you're

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00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:01,640
like, let me make a story for
you.

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00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,320
Yeah, that's good fun.
That's just.

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00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,400
What I did, he could have been
it.

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00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,560
So maybe unlike that could be a
strength or a turn on for some

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00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,960
people, the way laundered items
are a turn on for me.

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00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:14,800
Maybe somebody's like Hallelujah
like you are a a God fearing

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00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,560
man.
With your coffee pop when you

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were a child?
That's disgusting.

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00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,480
If anyone swiped on that there,
that's a problem.

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00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:23,000
You're like, no redemption,
sorry.

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00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,600
No redemption, sorry.
Well, I'm not grading on a

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00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:27,560
curve.
There you go all right, we're

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00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:31,280
still, you know, retaining a
small degree of hope, but not

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00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:33,400
much on the apps these days so
once.

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00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,640
Again, the search continues.
Thanks everyone for tuning in

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00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,600
and we will see you next time.
Bye.