Salty Bite: Hot Men in the Wild vs. Unvaxxed Sperm Bitcoin

0:22 Hey everybody. Welcome back to our podcast. My name is Mel and I'm Claire, and together we are. The salty hoes. And we're coming back at you with another salty bite. I hope you're ready. I hope so. We're going to dive right in. We are. How you feeling about online dating these days, Claire? It fucking sucks and I'm done. OK. In fact, may I share an incident that we had this morning, please? So in a moment of despise fair last night, I was like, that's it. I'm I'm not only deleting the apps, but I'm just committing to singlehood like it's it's a non negotiable I'm I'm no longer officially looking to date or for a partner. And I was very resolute and you know, trying to be very positive about, you know, you you sort of like deal with the grief of my life isn't the way I thought it would be and all that and you move on.

1:18 And then so Melissa and I pre copied this morning. We did as we're apartment to do because we discovered that if we don't do that then we spend the first hour of our studio time just shooting the shit. Yeah, without the mics on. Without the mics. On and so it it's like a a prep period. That's what we say, though we don't actually talk about the. Podcast No, we don't. Sometimes adjacent. But we just talk about life. Yeah, which I guess is kind of the. Podcast, I mean, some of it could go on the podcast, but some of it actually can't, so. Should not? Yes, for lots of litigious and moral reasons, so it should not. So anyway, we walk into the coffee shop and there's just, like, startlingly hot men everywhere.

2:01 It was startling, right? I don't know what was happening this morning. I don't. Know what was? Happening. Where did they all crawl out from? And there was a particular table, yes, of three men who were, can we say, age appropriate. Yeah, they were probably all about 50, I would say 50s, yeah, somewhere in that range. And Oh my God. Fucking hot, all three of them. There was not like a loser in the bunch. They were all like different looking but like all like ridiculously hot. And it's like, is this the monthly meeting of the hot guys, man? Should we track this with the moon cycle and like figure out like maybe this is a Thursday morning thing? Maybe a? Note of the time. OK. All right. I got it.

2:41 And and we'll go back and see and. But even aside from the hot table, there were hot men walking in everywhere. Yeah, they were sprinkled around the coffee shop and I. Was like OK is is this a sign that I'm to come out of spinster hood? But also where are these men hiding? I don't see them in everyday life except for today. Except for today. I know because we go to that coffee shop fairly frequently and we've never had this experience. Like I've never seen a collection. No. And especially those 3 appeared to be friends. They did. And it's just like. Like wait, healthy male friendships between hot men? Meeting for coffee. Oh my God. And you're all hot. And they didn't look like they weren't like I should be careful how I say this phrase.

3:25 They weren't hot Dicks. Hot Dicks in that. They I mean like could use a hot Dick or three right now. I mean, I'm sure. They did, based on the rest of their you know, I mean, if everything matched what we saw, then spectacular. I mean it doesn't always align, but we can hope so. That is true, but they they weren't like. Douchey Hot no. If that makes sense it. Does make sense, They all seem like people I would like to get to know. Like fathers and and like they would mow the lawn and, you know, be wholesome. Yeah. They also all look like they went to the gym. Oh. Yes. Especially that one. But all three of them looked fit. Yes, but not like puffy fit.

4:06 Yeah, not puffy. Fit like they weren't ruin it. Yeah and also not like I skipped leg day and all I do is like fucking curls and presses I hate. That they were just like they looked. Like sporty good. Yeah. My God, I know so. Yeah, that happened. Today I think that's a sign from the universe, Claire. Like I'm not the woo woo person as we all know, I know, but I think it is. And maybe it's saying that like online dating, OK, maybe take it or leave it if you want to like piece out of that for a minute. Like that makes sense. Maybe it means you're meant to meet someone in the wild. That, that would be delightful, except I rarely leave the house, so we'll see how that. Goes we'll drag you out more. Claire and I were supposed to go to a speed dating event but someone AKA me was a little bitch and pieced out of it because she's super jet lagged and got like 90 minutes of sleep the night before so well. That's a lovely story.

4:58 The way I would summarize it would be that we had a text conversation yesterday and I said, Melissa Rella, it's a big week, so let's ditch this. It's totally fine. You're very. Sweet, so you were very kind to me. There was no little bitches about it. Well, it was one. It was me. But you were very, very sweet with me. Yeah. Well, you know, we just, I, I don't know if I had a lot of faith in that. That's that event we were going to go to. Oh, I don't think I had any and but I would have, you know, been happy to go for the lols. I was just like kind of destroyed. Yeah, and it's, I mean, that's that's all fun and games when you're feeling good. But it it could further perpetuate the despair when you're feeling shitty and you're just like, Oh, well, here is a slew of.

5:45 Undateable men, yes. So. So yeah. We missed the golfing. I also would have embarrassed myself because I can't golf. I've been to Top Golf with, you know, this, like I can't even hit the ball. Yeah, but in a cute way. I don't know, I think it's cute. It's maybe just because you love me. You. Think it's cute? They might be like it's. Normal. I think they'd be like, oh, a beautiful woman who can't golf. Let me help you, little lady. Let me wrap my arms around you and show you how to swing this club. Well, we all know I tried that, but the man was so short his arms wouldn't fit around me. Oh yeah, short stick, short stick, Maybe there's some. Not short stick, short arms. Apparently too short. Everything. On that note. Oh God. All right, well, should we move on to the dumpster fire that's online dating?

6:26 Yes, I've got. A few little profiles. To share, I always do this out. Go ahead. OK, I'm going to start with this one. It's very short. All right, so this is John. This is a profile from Bumble. Yeah. And John's About Me reads in its entirety. I'm not vaccinated, won't get vaccinated. OK, wow. In and what year are we living that that is considered bio? Yeah, or actually really socially acceptable first of all. I mean like it's a. Brag. Yeah, I mean, it used to be that the opposite was true, yeah. That it was like, oh, that could. Be I'm safe to be around because I'm not passing on, you know, infectious diseases, yes. And and again, a reminder or to those of you knew, like Melissa is a literal scientist.

7:17 So we're not, we're not going Rogan style here on hearsay like. Oh no, we're. We're speaking in the facts, yes. I would also guess that this man is maybe not a scientist. No. Does he list his occupation? He does not. Yeah, well, I'm, I'm going to guess he's not. Yeah. I don't see, yeah, much evidence that he might have. Yeah, that, that. That's what you. Put in your bio. Well, should we keep with that theme? Sure. So apparently it's a big thing for the man of Bumble right now. You know, it is. And I actually see comments about vaccination quite frequently, and it's really disturbing. Yes, yeah.

8:01 I mean, there's a few contraindications to getting vaccinated, but not very many of them. And you know if you have them and one of them is not being a Dutch hole. Yes, like that is probably the most notable. Yeah, I mean, small sidebar, when I flew through Guam airport last week, they had big signs out about a measles outbreak. Yes. Oh yeah. I have gotten actually several alerts recently of spaces I have been in that there was a night break. Oh good God. And to monitor symptoms. Yeah, OK, well let's hear from another one of your lovely fines. Great on vaccinated. So yes, this is Larry.

8:42 I think I always choose the name Larry. I can't think of any other names. Oh, I like Larry. And actually I like it more. Like on this trip there was this woman who's like, she's super funny. We totally hit it off. And I think somebody was like coughing in the airport and she was like, OK, Typhoid Larry. So, Typhoid, Larry? It's a fitting name that it's definitely a fitting name. So Larry's bio, he's 50, by the way. And it it sounds perky, almost. So Larry says simple, open minded, positive, no drama, laid back here looking for the same. So instant Eck. Because when they're like, no drama, looking for the same, I'm just like, yeah, that would be a left. I don't care how attractive you may be that that's that's not hot to me.

9:31 Oh yeah. Definitely. And we've talked about but before. This is code for. I don't give a shit about your feelings. Please don't have them. No needs. Yeah, no needs for. You there will be no needs in. This I will meet none of them. Don't question me. Yeah. Yeah, that's basically it. So for those of you who are happily married and don't understand the language of the single man on Bumble, we'll translate. That's right. We're interpreters. We're fluent now, yes. We are, sadly so Larry goes on to say, not a gambler, smoker or partier and definitely don't do drugs. OK. It turns out Larry doesn't do vaccinations either because one of his profile pictures profile pictures which is meant to be of your face is actually of a sign that says unvaxed sperm is the next Bitcoin. Yes, yes and and Larry captions this picture with non brainwashed please.

10:29 God, Larry. So I will give him credit for his use of the comma, but this is also under the heading of a value I'd love to share with a partner. Is so is Larry saying that he wants a partner that has on vax sperm? Oh, you're on the wrong app, Sir. Yes, wrong app. Sorry Larry, but you know the chill exterior that you try to provide in your bio I believe is misleading based on your pictures. I'm going to go a little further and say, Larry, you're an idiot. Yeah. Pass on Larry. Yeah, hard pass on Larry. Yeah, well, Speaking of brainwashing, Yeah. So I've got a profile here from our friend Dave. Dave is 40. He is 6 foot 2.

11:11 So that's nice. Well done, Dave. Yeah, but let me read you his entire bio. OK, about me, which is. Oh well OK, I guess you can decide if this is really about me or not. Yeah, I think tattoos and piercings are unnecessary. You've been brainwashed into thinking it cool, which mean you're mentally. Weak. Oh, who's mentally weak here, Dave? Yours misspelled. This is also not grammatically correct. A correct sentence, Dave. Oh dear. Oh Dave, also, I appreciate your proclamation but kindly go fuck yourself. If you don't like women with tattoos and piercings, guess what you can do? Go fuck.

11:54 Yourself and also then just don't date. Them, yeah. Like does he think people are going to go, Oh my God, Dave let me take them out and go get laser away? Tattoo removal like OK cool. Then that's just that's just not your girl. Yeah, just another one of these men being like drive by shitty in their profile. Mentally weak. You know what's weak, Dave? Your grammar. Yeah. Zing. Yeah. Somehow I don't think Dave would care or maybe even understand that insult. Yeah. Oh my God. Well, Speaking of low bars, I'm going to move on to this beautiful guy. We'll call him James.

12:39 And, you know, this is connected to an experience I had this week of a, a text that I actually shared with you because I, you know how it's kind of depressing actually, because I'm sure men look at me now and they're like, oh, there's that Irish girl again. Yeah, who's been on here for years. And this is a man that I've matched with multiple times. And we actually almost did it or went on a diet. Sorry, that's a bit hyperbolic, but like, we almost went on a diet. But he, I thought I was kind of in the safe territory given his age, as he's almost a decade older than me. But it turns out that he had a child in single digits. And I was like, no, thank you. And you know, that's just a personal preference. My stage of life, I don't have young children and I don't want to be with a young child.

13:30 At the weekend, and that's completely fine. That's a valid preference. But 51 I also. Somewhat question. I mean, if he's a decade older, yes, I kind of question in his judgement having a child in his 50s. Or sense of responsibility because you too, Sir, could be fixed. But that's that's a whole other that's a whole other episode. He shared that he was so busy. Oh my God, so busy because he was. And I quote on dad Judy and my instant thought was so just a regular day then like yeah, why would you define it like that? Like you're just a parent in your parenting. He's one of those guys, isn't he, that refers to watching their children as babysitting, Yes. Or or a duty of sorts and I mean I don't know, but those are typically the men that have their children for about 5 hours per.

14:23 Week, I was going to say minimal, minimal parent time is what that's screaming to me and. It's like I cannot function or talk to you right now because this is really hard, but would be the same guys that would be like what the fuck do women do all day? Yeah, 100%, yeah. Yeah. You don't have a real job. Yeah, exactly. Meanwhile, Bro Chacho can't manage five hours right? So it just gives me the Eck at this. .100%. Oh wow, yeah, you're Oh my God, you're my hero. So this guy under, I'm really pride of helping my mom out a lot even though she lives far away. Oh my God.

15:04 Yeah, and you're just like, I'm sorry, Sir, If you are pride of that, you, you're looking after a family member. That's not convenient. Wow. Yeah, amazing your. Heart is huge. Jeez, that's so crazy. What a prize. What a prize. Yep, just just ick. Yeah, that just gives me the ick. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Nurturing is hard. Yeah, and I deserve an award. Yes, I need a medal for picking up my kid from school once a month. Yep, but meanwhile, let me question what her mother does all day. Yeah, probably bitches about like, child support too, Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely. Yeah, but can't stand like one day with his kids.

15:46 Good times. Yeah, so that that's just my like, rage of the week, shall we say. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Well, do you want one more? Yeah, we got time. Give us a. Give us a humdinger to finish. OK, well, this is not a pellet cleanser, I'll tell you that. All right, So this is Mr. Chase, age 51. Yeah, he's still figuring out his relationship goals. Oh. Bless, right. I mean, because at 51 like that's it's so you know, I can understand why you wouldn't have anything figured out by then. Yeah, so his about me, the bio is a little longer than the two I just read, and it does actually include at least some of his likes and interests. So at least a point there. Well done, cheese. It's a little bit more grammatically correct than some of these, but he has a weird way of using a comma that I don't think I've ever seen before.

16:33 So he'll put a word and then a space or sometimes a double space and then a comma and then immediately start the next word without a space. Wow. Right. Like this is a comma usage that I have never seen before. In fact, it's quite interesting. Yeah. OK. So every time there's a pause, just imagine this comma that's misplaced grading on your sensibility because it's it's kind of rough. Yeah. OK. So about me, beaches, Alaska, Santa Cruz, salt water, wine and good food. Travel, motorcycles, art, dogs, vineyards, boat, boats and more boats. Space, space, period.

17:19 We've continued the schema of the punctuation. 2 spaces after every word and then a comment or period. All right, next start. Oh God, there's more. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Next paragraph. OK. I mean, that's not even like that's barely worth reading. At least that's sort of about me, right? That's some interests. Well, it felt like I felt like a little stirred at the start. It was almost poetic, but then I realized it was just a list and he can't actually string a sentence together, right? It's. Not really a complete sentence, but at least it is, I presume, something about him. Yeah. Something. Things he likes. Things he likes. OK, great. OK, second paragraph. Yeah. Are you ready for this bracing? Oh, buckle up, baby. OK, thought. Space, Space comma action. Space, space, comma progression.

18:04 I just realized that's how I should have been reading. These OK. Please no quote boss women or other disagreeable types. Oh, many women overestimate their sexual marketplace value. Most of you on here aren't worth dating. Space space comma. I put a picture of me and a fish on purpose. Weeds out the shallow, superficial women. If you're honest and aren't running a game space space comma or living in a fantasy world space space comma, HMU. I I am rendered without words. Because you're so turned on right now. I mean, dear God, how we've asked this question multiple times.

18:50 How many times has this worked for you, Sir? Right. What the actual fuck? But also, do they not understand the aggressive nature of how that signs like that? I I have so many questions. Right. I think they don't understand. Like this is telling on themselves. You're like, oh, hi, I'm a shitty human. Yeah, you're. Like I'm an aggressive shady good. Right. Thank you for putting that right up front so I can swipe left immediately right. Tell me you're a shady, aggressive man without telling me you're a shady, aggressive, semi literate man. Yeah. And although I will give at least one point for originality, because even though I think the sentiment we've seen very, very often, I don't think I've ever seen the phrase sexual marketplace value you in a bio before.

19:35 That that is slightly impressive. Yeah, seems like a phrase he got right from a manosphere podcast or something. I. I think that those aren't his words. Yeah, they they may be the words of another that he heard and wrote down in his notes app because he was like, yeah, I'm good one. Use that these boss bitches think they are and you know, I have to agree with Chase in terms of you know, this is another episode, but you know, the the sort of like boss bitch like thing I like that grates on me, but I think for other reasons than Chase has yes, agreed. I just don't think that he he would like a woman in charge or that is smart or that could notice his terrible composition. Yeah.

20:20 Wow. OK, amazing, right, Well. Maybe the men in the coffee shop wear a sign because, you know, you can understand the level of despair we feel sometimes. Like it's very real. It's very real. Should we go back there right now and see if they're still around? Oh my God, maybe. Maybe it was the three knee fights. Oh stop. Oh my God. OK friends, if you haven't heard of the three knee fights, we don't have time to explain. Don't. It's a lot. But we're going to come back to that and do an episode. We are. Yeah, so for the for the momos of the ECMO's right there, you'll you'll get the three knee fights reference.

21:04 But yeah. Oh my God. We will expand on that at a later time. Amazing. OK, friends, on that note, we're going to wrap it up. Sea salty. I was going to say see you soon and stay salty. And it came out sea salty. Stay sea salty. Sea salty lads. All right, salty ho salty Bros. Take care. Bye. See you in the next time. Bye.